Just Call Me Tinker Bell

“Athens was our home for four years and our most important four years of our lives thus far. I learned so much about myself these past 4 years. I met best friends who became enemies, enemies who became best friends, I hooked up with random people, I failed, I succeeded, I fell in love. I raised two dogs there, I had a job, a passion, and a duty. I learned how to lead America’s finest Sons and Daughters. I avoided being arrested for 3 years while I ruthlessly drank underage. I pulled endless all-nighters. I ran 2 half marathons. I fell in love with a culture and a lifestyle. I was adventurous. But most importantly, I am me because of all of that. My parents will never understand how magical Athens, OH truly is. I never thought I could fall in love with a little college town….”

Curled up in the backseat of the truck, texting one of the very best friends I’ll ever have. Ashley sent this to me, and immediately the tears started streaming down my face. I couldn’t have said it any better myself. Every mile we drive is a mile that separates me from Neverland. We are Lost Girls. We refuse to grow up. But this isn’t a fairytale. We cannot be ageless creatures. We must grow up, and we must find our futures.

That doesn’t mean we have to be happy about it.

And Suddenly, It’s Time To Move On

It was a race to the finish line.

For the past three and a half years, I was full speed ahead.  I couldn’t wait to see what else was next, what surprises waited around the corner, and where this great adventure was taking me.  I’ve been counting down to every momentous occasion, because while I was excited to see where I was going, I was also tired of the boring, tedious, day to day life I’d been living.

The countdowns have been of small and great variety…. the minutes left to cram for an exam.  The hours left until my next nap.  The days left until the weekend.  The months lefts until I finally turned 21.  The years left until I’m settled down in a real house with a real income, living a real life…with real bills, real problems, and real worries.

It’s been a wicked race to the finish line.  But the faster that finish line, that bright white light at the end of the tunnel…the faster it approaches, the more clearly I see the mirage for what it really is: a cliff.  I’m moving at warp speed toward this precipice, this END… and now, I’m back pedaling hard, FAST, but even as my legs move backward, the cosmos push me to the finish.  They force me, inch by inch, minute by minute, hour by hour, and day by day, to that stage.  The stage that I’ll sit in front of for hours, hearing but not listening to countless speeches, and crying for reasons unrelated to the spoken words.

And then, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll walk on shaky feet across a stage.  I’ll offer my sweaty palm to someone important to shake. I’ll return to my seat, and the only thing from The Walk that I’ll remember is what people will later show me in pictures.

Because that is The Walk that will end all of this. That is The Walk that will say so many things.  If That Walk could talk, it would tell me this:

“Here’s to your past four years.  You’ve learned and you’ve grown, but now it’s time to fly!  It’s time to say So Long to so many things you clutch, afraid to let go: a few good things, a couple materialistic, and some more emotional in nature.  It’s time to forget about the professors that ruined your party days.  No more online assignments and pop quizzes, no more exams and no more finals. It is time to wave to the drunken nights.  The “I have no cares” on a Wednesday slice nights with a liquor pitcher.  The champagne slushie and the really cheap beer.  It’s time to eat your last bite of Souvlaki’s, stand in line for one last Big Mama’s burrito.  My dear, it’s time for you to wake up to one more beautiful, and maybe hungover, Athens Sunday.  Get out of bed and tie on your shoes for one more run to Radar Hill.  It’s time to pound those uneven Athens Blocks once more, before the only Athens Block you’ll see anymore is the one you proudly display on your shelf, however far away from Neverland you may be.  

My love, it is time for you to bite the side of your cheek, take a deep breath, and open your eyes as wide as possible as you fight the inevitable tears.  But hard as you try, they will come while you hug the greatest people you have ever met, and make promises to stay in contact…and swear to yourself that you’ll try harder than you ever have to keep those promises.  It’s time to pack the car, and it’s time for you to go.  Make room for the next generation.  Allow them to share your love of Bagel Street Deli, your loathing of Jeff Hill.  Allow them to fall in love with the greatest place on Earth, just as you did.

And finally, my friend, it is time to wish you good luck.  You have been matured, molded, and aged to perfection.  Go, take on the world.  Get up out of your chair and take The Walk with pride.  Because now, more than ever, you are ready.”

So yes, I’m backpedalling.  I’ve pulled my emergency break.  It took me until two weeks before the end of what is undoubtedly the best four years of my life to realize that the countdowns make it go too fast.  That by focusing on the next big, good, fun day…I let all of the simple days pass me by.  It took me until now to realize those days were just that: simple.  Yes, maybe a little stressful.  But simple.  Those days made it all worth it.

So you newcomers, and those of you stuck somewhere in the middle… Look forward to the future, but don’t depend on it.  Don’t rely on the times that are coming to get you through the times that are passing.  The days will go by, good or bad, whether you want them to or not.  So just SLOW DOWN!  Stop wishing the stress away, and praying for the end to come as quick as possible.  Because when it does finally come, you’ll be stuck praying with all of your might that you’ll wake up as a freshman all over again.

To those who came before us, we admire your courage to go out and face the world.  You’re an inspiration.  We don’t believe that there is life after this place, but you have shown us that we will survive.

And to my peers.  Enjoy.  I hope you enjoy these last two weeks, whether you’re ready to leave or not.  I hope you walk through College Green one more time, and have one last lunch with that “kind of” friend.  Take one more second to stop, and remember everything that has made you become who you are.

Finally, don’t be scared.  Whatever is going to happen will happen.  Cherish your memories, buy a new pair of shoes, and hit your new road running.  That Walk just started the rest of your life.  There’s no better time than now.

Fooled Me Once

Shame on you.

Sweet Seduction

Main Entry: anx·i·ety
Pronunciation: \aŋ-ˈzī-ə-tē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural anx·i·eties
Etymology: Latin anxietas, from anxius
Date: circa 1525
1 a : painful or apprehensive uneasiness of mind usually over an impending or anticipated ill b : fearful concern or interest c : a cause of anxiety 2 : an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse), by doubt concerning the reality and nature of the threat, and by self-doubt about one’s capacity to cope with it

It’s that knot in your stomach that sends waves through your fingers and toes.
It’s the unease, not know what’s causing the feelings.
It’s the unknown…do you need to walk it off, or sit in silence and try to quiet your racing mind?
It’s the friend sitting next to you recognizing the signs before they appear.
It’s the race to get away from the stimulus.
It’s the seduction, the quiet coaxing to get the beastly emotions back in their cage.
It’s the relief when it all finally subsides.
It’s the snuggling when it’s gone, with the friend rubbing your back and understanding the silence.
It’s the walk in the warm breeze later that day, or the next, looking back and analyzing the emotions.
It’s the light, airy feeling when you decipher the puzzle.
It’s knowing that it will come again.

And when it does, it’s the knowledge that you can, and you will, make it through.

The Dream City.

And by stories to come, I certainly meant that you’ll have to wait weeks for any confessions. Woops.

We rolled in around 1AM after a long car ride and plenty of story time in a nearly broken car.  Faye brought us up into her adorable apartment, got us all snuggled in, and we fell right asleep.  In the morning, we got around, and got our first glimpse of NYC in the daylight.  It was amazing.  But here’s the catch.  We were on a bus just across the river, because she lives in New Jersey.  It was an unobstructed view that was hard to pay attention to because of the driving habits of the locals.  I should have taken pictures.  You guys, I’m not kidding.  We were INCHES away from every other bus on the road.  I wasn’t even liable for any potential accidents and it was still terrifying. 

We jumped out of the station and went to Times Square straight off.  It was big and dirty and nothing I expected.  I’ve only seen the City on TV and in my dreams, but it didn’t live up to everything I thought it was.  I was amazed by the amount of people and by the slow crawl of the foot traffic.  I thought it would be big and booming and lively and fast.  We walked around a little and then saw all of the people dressed up as our favorite animated characters, purses bulging with dollars from every time someone takes a picture with them.  We took some pictures, and Joey split off as Faye and I made the inevitable trip into Forever 21.  I walked out with nothing, which was surprising since I love that store.  We went into MAC next, and I had a makeover.  I ended up buying all new foundation, eye makeup, AND lipstick.  I’m trying my hardest to be more grown up and wear things like lipstick.  So far I’ve only worn it on drinking nights…

We jumped on the Metro (our first experience.. it took some time to get the hang of it.  We couldn’t figure out how to get through the turnstiles.  Rookie mistake that Faye helped us with.  And by helped, I mean she had to swipe our cards and push us through) and came out at the very corner (I’m still not sure which) of the Park.  Again, nothing I expected.  All this hype about New York and, don’t get me wrong it was amazing, but it wasn’t blowing me away.  We journeyed around Central Park for a bit, and then walked toward the Empire State Building.  After debating outside for about twenty minutes on if we wanted to spend the $22 to go up or not, Joey and I decided to go and Faye said she was going to walk around and get some food.  Up we went.  Through the metal detectors, through the museum upstairs, and up to on of the topmost floors (the highest you can go without paying extra for, anyway).  We walked outside, and my breath caught in my chest.

Here is the beautiful City I was expecting.

It was magical.  The sun had set and all you could see was lights.  As far as the Earth turned, it was all lights.  We could see Times Square, bridges everywhere, the river, Queens…everything.  I could talk about it for hours.

After we left, we went back to Times Square to have dinner at Hard Rock Cafe.

Here is the bustling Times Square that I’ve seen in my dreams.

There were nearly naked men with boom boxes posing for pictures, the animated characters, people telling Faye and I that they were digging our “Interracial friendship!  Making the world a better place!”  Music, lights, dancing…it’s indescribable.  I’ve never thought about living in a concrete city.  Every time I did, all I could think about was being suffocated.  Not anymore, my friends.

After Hard Rock (which was amazing), we went out New York City style.  We woke up the next morning and got chicken and waffles.  Being from back country Nebraska, I’ve never heard of such an atrocity.  Or that’s what I thought of it at first.  Until my first bite.  It was delicious.

We went to Ground Zero, and got there about ten minutes after it closed.  This was one of the reasons that I wanted to go, and I was pretty crushed that we missed it.  Joey and I decided that we’d go back the next morning anyway before we hit the road back to Athens.

That night, we went to a movie.  Not really something that either of us thought we would do on a vacation to New York, since you can do that anywhere.  And it was a terrible movie (Mama…don’t go.)  But we also got food from a street cart in Times Square and went to Cake Boss for dessert, so it was a successful night.

I don’t think I would have wanted to go with anyone else.  Joey is fun and adventurous and pushes me to do things that I probably wouldn’t do with anyone else.  Faye is one of my best friends and accommodated our every whim, even though she’s seen and done every single thing that we drug her through. 

I’m blessed to have friends like them and be able to take random weekend trips to places that I’ve always wanted to go.

New York, New York

I actually did it. I really got in my car, drugged my friend, and went to NYC. Ok yeah. I didn’t drug him. I did drag him along though! At 4pm on a Friday with the following Monday off school, we loaded up the car and away we went. About five miles down the road, we hit car trouble. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t the safest thing to say “Screw it!” and keep going. But we’re both adventurous (obviously) and maybe a little stupid (definitely), so we kept going. We got a little less than half way through a nine hour drive and I looked at Joey.
“Ummmm. Hey Joe? What are we doing?”
“Fuck. What?? I don’t know. Jess what are we doing???”
Well. Here goes nothing, right?! We agreed to never tell anyone we had a serious conversation about, and looked up, plane tickets. Which we didn’t do before we left. So of course I had to write about it.
After a very long drive, some very good laughs, great conversation, and a long drive… A very long one.. We made it to New York!

Except not really. We made it to New Jersey, because that’s where Faye lives. But still.

We made it to New York!!

More stories to come!